Feeling left behind
Over the past month I have been to two baptisms, two farewells and a home coming. It reminds me of what I do not have in my life, children. I also have had my 44th birthday, which I spent on my own. My marriage of 22 years is gone, and I really have nothing to show that I am here.
But I have been living some what an oddity in the Mormon Church. Having been married for so long, with no kids, you just don't get the feeling that you are part of the church family. I have set in many a Priesthood Class, hearing the teacher tell how special it is to be a father, and how closer to God you are. I really have not made a lot of friends in these wards, because I have no kids that are in the same Primary Class, Sunday School Class, or Mutual. It even feels like the newly married couple, when they do get pregnant, that they are now one up on me.
A few years ago, our Ward did away with the Family Camp Out. But what stayed were the father/daughter and the father/ sons camp outs. For me even going to the father/sons camp out just does not seem right.
And now all of my friends that I grew up with are sharing there happy news on Facebook. The Daughters are getting married, there sons are going on Missions, or there kids are going off to college. Even some are now grandparents.
I think that I have written here before that one of the things I wanted to be when I was all grown up was a father. I am a big kid at heart and still love to do some kid like things. I love to tease, and my wife hated that about me. So I see people around me have these great experiences and know that I can not really experience it myself.
But I would have to say that some of this is my fault. When we had the means to adopt, I was not in favor of it. I had my own fears and had to overcome that. By the time I did, my life as I knew it had started falling apart. The money to do it was not there. I and this is another thing that I have to deal with.
And the one side affect of this on me, is that I really at times do not feel that I am fully grown up. Yes, I may act like an adult, but I am still screeching for who I really am. There is nothing there to ground me, but at least I had my marriage for a while to get me close to where I needed to me.
But I have been living some what an oddity in the Mormon Church. Having been married for so long, with no kids, you just don't get the feeling that you are part of the church family. I have set in many a Priesthood Class, hearing the teacher tell how special it is to be a father, and how closer to God you are. I really have not made a lot of friends in these wards, because I have no kids that are in the same Primary Class, Sunday School Class, or Mutual. It even feels like the newly married couple, when they do get pregnant, that they are now one up on me.
A few years ago, our Ward did away with the Family Camp Out. But what stayed were the father/daughter and the father/ sons camp outs. For me even going to the father/sons camp out just does not seem right.
And now all of my friends that I grew up with are sharing there happy news on Facebook. The Daughters are getting married, there sons are going on Missions, or there kids are going off to college. Even some are now grandparents.
I think that I have written here before that one of the things I wanted to be when I was all grown up was a father. I am a big kid at heart and still love to do some kid like things. I love to tease, and my wife hated that about me. So I see people around me have these great experiences and know that I can not really experience it myself.
But I would have to say that some of this is my fault. When we had the means to adopt, I was not in favor of it. I had my own fears and had to overcome that. By the time I did, my life as I knew it had started falling apart. The money to do it was not there. I and this is another thing that I have to deal with.
And the one side affect of this on me, is that I really at times do not feel that I am fully grown up. Yes, I may act like an adult, but I am still screeching for who I really am. There is nothing there to ground me, but at least I had my marriage for a while to get me close to where I needed to me.
You know, there is some sweet single woman out there with some kids that need a Dad. She's searching for you.....you'd better be ready when she finds you........NO MORE REGRETS!! You just have no idea what Heavenly Father has in store for you...but I promise you he does not want us to be alone......so be prepared!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are a great guy so some lucky gal will see that...perhaps she is a widow with children or younger than you and a single mom wanting to start a family also.Cheers!
ReplyDeleteBro-in-law~ I agree with Bev & Mr. Anonymous.You'd make a great dad 2 some1 or a great step-dad 2 some1.You are a cool intelligent uncle 2 my TJ, Ashley, Shelby & Alyssa.So someday your wishes will come true. :-)We love ya, from your sis-in-law & family
ReplyDeleteHi Bill! It has been a long time. I am sorry things have been tough for you. One of the things you might want to consider is going to the father and sons anyways. We were blessed with only girls. So my hubby and a few others in our ward that don't have boys or kids have started to take the young men of single moms or just to go help cook. In fact, last year he and another guy volunteered to cook so they could go. They have fun "male bonding". You might find that you really enjoy it. After all aren't you really there to support and celebrate the restoration of the priesthood?
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