Failure!

It seems like since 2009 my life has been one big failure after another.  From being laid off from my job, to not being able to work with my dad in the business we started and he said was mine, to losing my married, and my house.  

I sometimes wonder if I have something genetically in me to fail.  I sometimes wonder if I was the root cause of my learning disability.  Is there a laziness gene that I have, that causes me not to finish things. 

 But I look back and see that I did finish High School and did get accepted into a private college that I did not go to.  I went on a mission where I was aloud to serve 23 months of it.  I did go to college and earned a degree after failing some classes, even one twice.  And I did have a job at the same company for almost 17 years.  

But it is hard to shake off what has happened in the last 6 years.  Yes I have a good job now that pays me more then I was making at General Plumbing, but I am having to make up for decisions that I made with in the past 6 years.  Decisions that I made to survive.  But when you have a bishop and your own father keep telling you, you are not making the right ones, then is there someone else that will, so I can stop screwing up them?

Oh then there is dating!  I was never the dating type when I was a teenage.  If it was not for a friend (who I lost in the divorce) I would not be married.  The only success in dating was Darci and that was only a pre-mission romance, and that is all it was.  And I was so dumb to the dating signs that I did not know when I girl really liked me and would go out with me.  See failure there too!

I would like to say that I fought so hard to save my married, but then again I really did not.  I did not want it to fail, but in the end it did, and I let her go too easily.  Now both families have had all the children in those families divorce.  That is sad, not one of us could keep it together!

Sometimes I feel like embracing the dark that feels my mind.  To stop making bad decisions, to stop the failure in all of my life.  But then if I give in to those thoughts, than I have truly failed in the end.
 

Comments

  1. BevJanuary 26, 2016 at 1:37 PM

    STOP!!! When I look back at where you were and where you are NOW......there is no comparison! Be kinder to yourself!! If you can't love you.....no one else will either. Remember....don't look back....you're not going that way!! Love you!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJanuary 26, 2016 at 7:27 PM

    Totally agree with Bev, k ow you a million years it feels like, you are one of the good guys

    ReplyDelete

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