Dysfunctional

I was sitting and reflecting on my life the other day.  I don't think that I will ever find anyone as my sole mate or get married again.  I am having a hard time understanding the relationships of that type of relationship and can I ever really have any type of relationship in my life.  Has everything that I have experienced to this point been all fake?  Why can I not have what some of my friends have?  Why am I so dysfunctional?  I am so dysfunctional that it is hard to talk to anyone about.

I don't know if I will ever be good enough to be worthy of someone to dating.  I have dug myself in a hole so deep that I am not worthy of anyone.  I heard it from my ex wife's friends,  he is just a leech, even though right now I am working about 50 hours a week.

I know what some of my friends will say when reading this, and will be hard on me for writing what I have written.  But I have bottled this up for so long, I need to get it out.  This was what this blog was for.  To help me keep myself somewhat mentally sane.

But then again, maybe that is one of my main problems I have had all my life.  I just bottle everything up and when I am shaken enough, I explode and then no one really understands me when I explode, because so much comes out at once, which make things even worse.  At times I really feel like I am mental, and can not be fixed. No one know the real me and, and I almost wonder if I know who I really am.

But going back to the subject at hand, as a person who was not really a social person growing up, and not dating much as a teenage, I don't know were to start as and middle age adult.  And being older, things are much harder than they were as teenagers.  How can expect someone to drop there commitments and focus on me.  I could never ask or expect that of someone.  I would never want that.

Well at least there is work to keep my mind from wondering were it shouldn't.

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